I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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