i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Randomize
