Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
the raccoons are back...
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