We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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