glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
