I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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