apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Randomize
