So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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