i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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