i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Randomize
