Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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