the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
