I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
