I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
I wish they made helmets for livers.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
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