This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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