New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
