You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
