just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
