If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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