I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
