Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
foreskin is a definite game changer
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Randomize
