Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Randomize
