My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Randomize
