Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Randomize
