My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
