Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Randomize
