I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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