My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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