You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
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