Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
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