Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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