thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
