FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
