Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
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