I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
