you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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