My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
