is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
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