I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
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