Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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