my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
