Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
