God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
