I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
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