we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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