I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
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