Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
