Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
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