Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
