Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
