So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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