did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
